Classic hazards

I've once again fallen prey to the idea that I shouldn't post a thought unless I can fully flesh it out. As a result I never post anything. So here's a brain dump:

I got my ass kicked at work last week. I kept looking at my to-do list and I had that awful feeling of not really knowing how to attack any one item on the list. Friday finally came and everything was about 3/4 done, which is not where you want it to be when your boss asks for a status update. Nothing went cataclysmically wrong, but there were several moments when I felt like I had missed my chance to shine. Upon reflection, that's what really bothered me. Not that I wasn't making a great impression on the higher-ups (which I wasn't), but that I was so worried about whether I was making a great impression. Without conscious effort, I've begun focusing more and more on my career. Instead of being in the moment and doing my job as best I can I'm looking at this job as a platform for impressing people around me, and I'm not at all comfortable with that mode of operation. Tonight I was working late and one of the older guys walked by and said "You keep this up and you'll be my boss one day!" I know he was just being friendly, but it made me uncomfortable. I don't want the next 10 years to be a horserace to middle management, then the next 10 to be a race to senior management, and then finally start living my life when my kids start going off to college. The truth of it is, I was working late because I had fallen behind where I knew I needed to be and I don't like the feeling I get when someone asks me for a deliverable that I just haven't done yet. I wasn't working ahead and innovating bold new ideas. I wasn't exercising my creative spirit. I was collating. I understand that sometimes that's the gruntwork you have to do, but if there were a grander schema that it all fit into maybe I'd feel more idealistic about all the trees I kill in the course of a meeting. Honestly, I don't feel like I'm making forward progress for anyone (including myself, really). I feel like I'm filling the role of a necessary cog in the machinery of civilization. It doesn't require a huge amount of brainpower to do my job. It requires a lot of time and a lot of commitment and a modicum of intelligence, but anybody who was fortunate enough to have picked the right major could do it. That's really why I don't feel like I'm excelling. I put in the time but I don't have the commitment. I don't believe in what I'm doing. The way I'm motivating myself is by convincing myself that working hard is in my best interests, but in all honesty I'd rather be reading. This is not to say that I simply get more pleasure out of reading, it's to say that I genuinely find reading a more ennobling activity. If I focus all day and my unit runs smoothly then great, I can see why that's necessary, but what real good does it do? Why is the world a better place, for me or anyone else? I feel like I'm treading water, and could care less where this current is taking me.

Now that I've typed all that, it looks pretty grim. I'm not as chronically dissatisfied as all that, but I did spend a lot of my weekend chewing through those thoughts. Maybe it's just because I had a bad day Friday. Maybe a week from now I'll be reinvigorated. That's actually entirely possible, but such is the nature of the brain dump. As it stands I'm back to wondering what life would be like in the Peace Corps. Seriously. At first the idea crossed my mind almost as a joke but the more I think about it the more intrigued I am. What a fascinating turn that would be in my life. Now that I've done the whole "get a good job, buy a nice house" thing, I don't feel as wound up as I once did about building a career for myself. Eating, as it turns out, is not actually that hard. What do I want to do with the time I have?

We'll see how I feel in a week.